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19 September 2007 @ 09:46 pm
[Suzumiya Haruhi] [Koizumi-centric, I/H, K/H] a kingdom fit for God - one shot  
Title: a kingdom fit for God
Fandom: The Melancholy of Suzumiya Haruhi / Suzumiya Haruhi no Yuutsu
Rating: PG
Length: 1,810 words, one shot
Character/Pairing: Koizumi-centric, some one-sided Itsuki/Haruhi and implied Kyon/Haruhi
Prompts: Written for 31_days, September 19, 2007: The hustle and bustle of the traffic greets you.
Warnings: No real specific spoilers; a reference to The Disappearance of Suzumiya Haruhi. Crazy writing style's back, so be warned.
Summary: From the empty crowds of the city, Koizumi has learned to fall in love with her melancholy, to bring cracks of light to her sky.

a kingdom fit for God

There is the city; there is the girl.

There is the shadow of the city created by the girl.

Then there is him.

(which is the one that doesn’t belong?)

---------------


She’s such a surprising girl, Suzumiya. He hadn’t expected to be pulled into the SOS Brigade in that way, with the likes of Asahina Mikuru and Nagato Yuki as well. He hadn’t expected to become Brigade Vice Commander and to go on daily excursions with the group and to see his observation subject so much, so closely.

Suzumiya keeps things nice and surprising – well, except for the time that he got a larger part in the movie, that wasn’t so much – and it keeps life pleasant and unbalanced and suddenly not so ordinary.

Though that story had started three years beforehand, hadn’t it.

---------------


There is the city. Creeping smell of gas, smoke in mirrors, taillights flashing and crosswalks glaring.

Koizumi opens his eyes.

(red light, green light. red light, green light.)

He’s back.

(stop.)

The closed space was, as usual, dark. Foreboding. Empty and without. No one walking on the streets, no one driving down the sidewalks. A blue giant in the horizon bringing pillars of glass and steel down, twisted and broken on the pavement, and little red spheres of fire humming through the sky.

He joined his companions, as usual, and together they cut through the blue mass until it was no more, until the roar of destruction ground to a halt. Until the empty quiet echoing in their ears matched the empty stillness of the city block.

The clouds started to crack and break off into shops and street signs, and he closed his eyes, waiting for the hum of the traffic to greet him. Because then he would be standing on the corner of here and there amidst all the people and the cars and the noise again.

(yield.)

But now that he’s back, he can’t help but think that the hustle and bustle of the city seems so much emptier than that dark wasteland of a god’s despair.

(now go.)

---------------


When Kyon finally tells him about what happened that one time he fell into a coma for three days, he’s…moderately surprised, verging on slightly shocked. To say the least.

He hears of this world where the brigade members never met, where Kyon and Asahina and Nagato went in their own circles at North High while he and Suzumiya were at Kouyouen. He’d transferred there, and the only reason that she took interest in him was because of that fact.

Kyon then tells Koizumi that he said he fancied Suzumiya and, since the novelty of his being a transfer student was fading, that he was worried that one day, what was there of their relationship would simply cease to exist; that he wouldn’t mean anything to her any more.

He laughs to himself afterwards, mirthlessly and in vain, and knows that he’s the only one who recognizes the irony.

(No matter the world, some things never change.)

---------------


There is a side of her here in these spaces that only he gets to see. There is her loneliness painted white on the crosswalk and her melancholy a dark glow against the black night, her true feelings stripped bare in the sky and her despair allowing structures to crumble and fall.

No one else gets to see this. Not the Integrated Data Sentient Entity. Not the organization from the future. Not Kyon.

He opens his eyes and sees her intent. He takes a breath and breathes in her belief.

With every step here he feels what she does, and it’s hard not to fall in love with a force such as Suzumiya Haruhi.

(the queen who keeps pushing the sky and crumbling it all to kingdom come.)

---------------


It had started with a desire to save the world, because its destruction would be so very lonely despite it all, he thought.

(But if he had to be honest, not really, because he was only loosely embedded within the Agency, only loosely believed some of their creed, only loosely thought that the world was so very important. The anthropic principle? Those in the organization that believed it, well. What could he say?)

When had it changed to this?

---------------


He walks into the clubroom one day and sees Suzumiya and the expression she wears, the smile that’s not a smile that vanishes into a frown that she doesn’t even bother to hide at the corners, the ominous omen of danger to several persons known –

(though sometimes it’s the sadness that creeps underneath her melancholy and into the gold of her eyes, sometimes it’s the despair that she tastes slowly radiating outwards inside)

- and he realizes, oh, he will have to go closed space hunting that night.

He tries to keep smiling, and it only gets easier and harder over time.

---------------


A girl meets a boy meets an alien and a time traveler and an esper.

A boy who’s an esper meets said girl last of all, and then.

From that point onwards, the story can’t be simplified into such easy words.

---------------


“I don’t think that Suzumiya-san is God,” he’d explained to Kyon at one point. It was another group in his organization that thought so, but not him. To carve her down into a larger-than-life being, to turn her into the savior and the saint, the fault and the blame: it was too little and too much.

Too little, because she is so much more than that. So much more than the obsession of a religion, the worshipped of a cult.

Too much, because after knowing her, how can anyone not believe that she is so painstakingly real, so tangible, despite whatever powers she has? So human, so fallible?

So incredibly charismatic and something all her own?

But he keeps calling her God because it’s an easy monosyllabic thing to say; it keeps the other faction happy and it keeps Kyon somewhere between lost for words and amused.

And it’s sort of amusing, to think that you personally know God.

---------------


When she smiles at him, sometimes he thinks that he should feel his insides clench.

Sometimes he does, like heartstrings at his chest.

Sometimes, he does.

And then he smiles right back.

(until his heartstrings bleed)

---------------


To love a god who loves another who doesn’t even love her back.

(yet, at least. one of these days he will realize how lucky he is, how lucky, and then. Then.)

Koizumi has lived with it for a year, has done so through demureness to his brigade leader and smiles that are far too sharp and gleaming.

But his job is not this. His job is to watch, to observe. To enter closed spaces and exit into open air.

To exist for her.

Nobody ever said that love had to be a two-way street.

---------------


Can he even call it love? He’s not sure he can call it ‘love’.

Even more, he’s not sure if it is really love.

(it’s really just pins and needles into a cushion filled with fluff and tipped steel, didn’t you know

but you don’t know

and I will never let you know)


---------------


Koizumi steps onto the white bars lining the street, takes two steps forward no steps back, and there’s the closed space one more time, suddenly engulfing his vision.

Three steps forward no steps back, and he leans against one of the buildings on the avenue, would sink into it and feel everything if he could, if only he could.

Four steps forward two steps back, and the telltale blue glows in the ever-nearer distance. And it’s time for him to get up and let go and just go.

Five steps forward four steps back, he’s all flame and fire and heat condensed to the point of calcification and red, red, red.

Everything burns.

And then it’s over and he’s done and he falls against the rooftop and he can see miles of gray, miles of sky cracking white, and he simply looks back and feels and sees.

(meters of her melancholy, leagues of her despair)

He doesn’t live for the organization, the checking in, the meetings and the lies. He doesn’t live for the air sea sky rain three years ago world will end and pain.

He lives to walk with the brigade, to breathe in this darkened air, to bring light and fire to this shell of a world and to let the white stream in.

He lives for her, he lives for the world, and he wouldn’t have it any other way.

---------------


In reality, he doesn’t mind this static situation. It’s like what he said to Kyon – if it was up to him, he’d just leave those two together and see how the world changes.

It’d be cheesy to say that their happiness is his happiness, but the thing is, he doesn’t really mind.

He knows his place.

(And he knows hers.)

---------------


There is the city. There is its shell.

(there is she, and she is it is everything is all semblance of existence if only if only if only she would have room for one person more.)

He is building her tower, and she is acknowledging his demise.

(but she does have room – it’s just not for him, and he doesn’t mind doesn’t think)

Empires fall and oceans overflow, the brightest flames burn out the brightest, and futility is somewhere between tumblers and teacups and the horizon.

Koizumi wouldn’t have it any other way.

(as long as it’s never known that he’s the odd man out, he can stay forever.

and then? the story can never end.)

The best ones have no endings, after all.

---------------
------------------------------

Why am I writing SH so much? I don’t know. Maybe it resonates with me. I saw the theme and thought of closed spaces immediately, and my love for Koizumi soon took over. Or something.

So much for that DOGS theme that I’d been planning to write. And my homework.

And yeah, my trippy writing style started to come back full force in this one, so eh, dunno. If you don’t like it, you don’t need to leave me that review telling me that parentheses and italics are not to be abused, because I get it already. I have no control of my muse either. XD

Major thanks to Rae (rae00) for editing, and comments are loved. :D
 
 
our hopes and expectations: irritatedrargh hw and editing
black holes and revelations: wasting my youth - Aimee Allen
 
 
( let's conspire to ignite )
it's actually Irmes rly: itsukyonirmess on September 19th, 2007 04:12 pm (UTC)
I probably forgot to mention something anyway, but oh well.
Wheee. I like seeing a Melancholy fic on my friendslist, as rarely as it happens~

I have a terrible weakness for Itsuki/Kyon/Haruhi as a love triangle (as screwed up as it may be) - and you handled it really well and in a probable manner, despite the fact I believe it's Kyon who Itsuki has a crush on. 8D And the aforementioned trippy writing style of yours is very interesting to read and extremely characteristic - although it makes some of the parts slightly confusing. But I freaking love your usage of metaphores (reminding me of Utena somehow, and if a fic reminds me of Utena, it's almost always a good sign), which would make listing all the sentences I especially liked fairly tiresome ♥~

Itsuki being angsty makes me a little sad, though. :[
a regular decorated emergency.: Haine - smirkdarkenedsakura on September 19th, 2007 05:15 pm (UTC)
Re: I probably forgot to mention something anyway, but oh well.
Well, I'm glad that I'm adding to the pool, I suppose? XD

Ahaha. I tend to see almost no slash anywhere I go, so yeeeeah. And I think it's fairly canon that Koizumi likes Haruhi. I'm eclectic. XD;; And ack, is it confusing and where? That's usually not my aim, though some of these oxymorons were supposed to be pretty atypical. D:

I dunno if I made him angsty; he feels sort of neutral to me, though I'm weird in that regard. If anything, the huge backstory/up to novel 9 fic I'm writing for him will make him far angstier than this. *shifty eyes*

But wow, thanks so much for your comment. Characterization is my number one goal so I'm glad that got across. And I'm glad you liked it!
it's actually Irmes rly: itsukiirmess on September 19th, 2007 10:08 pm (UTC)
Re: I probably forgot to mention something anyway, but oh well.
By all means, you should be. :D

Well, I suppose I'm not much of a slash fangirl in general, but I do have a weakness for subtext and these two really get to me. 8D And actually, I am of the opinion he might have feelings for both of them. Which is even more complicated and more fun to write, I suppose~ (Hm, I'd say the pins and needles part gets a little too metaphorical, since I'm not sure what it's about, although that might be just a second language issue)

...If this, for you, is not angsty, and that fic you're writing is going to be even more "intense" in that aspect, then damn. DO WANT. ♥ And you're welcome~
a regular decorated emergency.: Sam - :|darkenedsakura on September 20th, 2007 10:29 am (UTC)
Re: I probably forgot to mention something anyway, but oh well.
*is embarrassed XD*

I'm just one of those strange het fangirls, eh. XD Koizumi's just...hard to pin down, because imo he's the biggest contradiction/most complicated character in the entire brigade, with Haruhi a close enough second. And there's enough stuff that can be interpreted any which way.

And hm. To be honest...I don't plan out what I write half the time. I mean, I get a theme from 31_days or something and then I have a barely-there thread that connects scenes that just pop into my head, but that's that. Say, the images and metaphors I supposedly use? They just...come. Like the pins and needles part, I just had the imagery of a heart(-shaped?) pinholder. For no good reason. And I probably should improve my writing by improving these brain expulsions of mine, but I never do, and it always makes sense to me because my brain's messy, and then. :D;

...So yeah, in other words. One of these days I'll make sense! XD;;;; It's funny because writing for the SH fandom is the first time I've ever been critiqued on my style, which is both neat and confusing all at once. Maybe it's because I'm not 'sure' of SH like I can be with other series? (Or because I rushed for deadlines sometimes, when it can take me months to finish one of these types of fic.) But eventually it'll sink in, along with the will make more sense thing. Haha.

...And I'll stop rambling now. And hahaha, if angsty's a good thing, then...I write a lot of it, so maybe that's good. XD;; Though, school's crazy busy and I was stupid to pick 31_days themes this month though they were so so shiny D: and this fic might take months to finish up. Geh.

:D;
it's actually Irmes rly: pribehyirmess on September 20th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)
Re: I probably forgot to mention something anyway, but oh well.
And this is precisely the reason why writing about him is so much fun, I suppose. XD Same with Haruhi, although in my opinion she's less ambiguous.

Oh, that's sure a rather unreliable method, then XD; I usually plan everything with the sequence of events written down and whatnot, but maybe that's because doing it in English doesn't seem that natural, I don't know. These expulsions are exactly what makes your fics stand out, though! 8D

That's odd. I probably like your style right because you write Melancholy, where usually fics are written in a much more lighthearted and "simplistic" manner, so the more screwed-up and symbolic stuff is hard to come by.

And I don't really mind your ramblings! XD; Either way, I hope you'll write it one day, since it sounds extremely promising.

And man, I have to try 31_days out one day, seriously, since these the
a regular decorated emergency.: take flightdarkenedsakura on September 21st, 2007 05:16 pm (UTC)
Re: I probably forgot to mention something anyway, but oh well.
:D

And yeah. Nah, that system works, but not for my fics since they're almost never plot-driven any more. I have some with this style that do follow a series of events, but most of these are more like scene/character studies, so it doesn't apply so much. And wow, I really can't tell that English isn't your first language at all, so. XD

Standing out is good, I suppose, I can do that. XD I just thought that the fandom isn't as prolific, so maybe the fic will show up sooner or later. But now that you mention it, yeah, there aren't too many dark SH fics out there. Huh.

XD;;;

31_days compels you to write. Some months the themes are sort of :\ for me, but other months...I want to write them all, and then that poses problems. This month's are particularly amazing. Check them out; I'd definitely look forward to what you write. :D
it's actually Irmes rly: pribehyirmess on September 21st, 2007 10:41 pm (UTC)
Re: I probably forgot to mention something anyway, but oh well.
Hm, I indeed noticed you mostly write introspective stuff - although maybe I shouldn't say that, considering I only read what you wrote for Melancholy. But I wonder how your style'd look if there was an actual sequence of events... interesting at least, I suppose. XD; And thank you~ :3

Yes it is! The fandom maybe could be considered prolific, at least judging from its section on FF.net, but many of the fics posted there are fairly run-of-the-mill stuff, so. And it's probably due to the fact it's hard to write darker themes if you haven't read the novel carefully enough... while if you have, some of the parts practically beg for it. But it might be just me. XD;

Aw, I just checked out the themes for this month and it looks like I've missed some of the best ones (SEPTEMBER 12 WHY WHY WHY). But wheee... some of the other ones look appealing as well. Too bad the month's about to finish 8D;
ex_systemati701 on September 19th, 2007 04:19 pm (UTC)
sorry for being ot, but... do you have the image you used for your icon on sos_brigade? D:

but your writing is beautiful. I love it. :3
a regular decorated emergency.: Haruhi - guitardarkenedsakura on September 19th, 2007 05:11 pm (UTC)
Haha, no problem. I uploaded it a while ago for someone, so I have the link handy: here. I absolutely adore this image, really; it's pretty much the best SH one, imo, and one of my absolute favorites from any fandom.

And thanks! :D
ex_systemati701 on September 19th, 2007 05:31 pm (UTC)
thank you~ :3
Writernonplussedprate on September 19th, 2007 08:02 pm (UTC)
Words cannot even describe how much I loved this fic (I've been shipping Koizumi/Haruhi for a while now but //nothing// I've come up with is as good as this)

♥ the Koizumi angst of lurv ^_^
a regular decorated emergency.: Claire;Zach-ask me what I want this yeardarkenedsakura on September 20th, 2007 10:37 am (UTC)
Uhm wow. I'm...really glad that you liked it so much XD And eh, I doubt that. My brain just spits out junk that it forces me to write down, so. XD;;;;

But thanks again :D And though I said earlier that I didn't think he was even being really angsty here, he is quite fun to angst up. XD
Writernonplussedprate on September 20th, 2007 11:29 am (UTC)
I can see what you mean about it not being really angsty and more... neutral. He's accepted his role in the story, but it's kind of a sad role don'cha think?

I think that might've been what was good about your story, you wrote it like he was neutral so while it came out a wee angsty, that had nothing to do with how Koizumi was treating the situation but how the situation was treating him (the difference between emo angst and good angst so to speak)

... I'm rambling now, sorry, it's just I sort of came across a character revelation and now I'm excited ^_^ Once again, loved it and can't wait to see more!
a regular decorated emergency.: Kyondarkenedsakura on September 20th, 2007 03:14 pm (UTC)
It surprised me when people said it was angsty. Maybe because I've empathized with him up to the point where I feel just like him and go, "oh, really?" I'm not sure. In retrospect and looking from the outside, it -is- sort of sad, but yeah. XD

And nah, that still makes me go all :D. I dunno when I'll have time for the next fics, but I guarantee that I'll have one in the future where Koizumi is, above and beyond, the central figure in it again. :D
(Anonymous) on September 23rd, 2007 05:38 am (UTC)
Hallelujah
I love you. I love your fics. I love this fic.
My OTP used to be Koizumi/Nagato (inorganicshipping), but I'm going to abandon that for Koizumi/Haruhi (spiritualshipping) instead, all thanks to this fic.
I'm tired of Koizumi being used as a sex object in K/K slash fics and your gen fics are like a breath of fresh air after spending ten years underground locked in a coffin. [insert more words of gratitude] You must be God sent.

That's it, I better go sleep before I lose my mind and start writing fics myself.
a regular decorated emergency.: Veronica - :)darkenedsakura on September 23rd, 2007 08:43 am (UTC)
Re: Hallelujah
Uhm, wow. I'm not really worthy of your praise, but thanks! I wouldn't know since I don't touch K/K slashfic, but considering all of the canon bits that point to Koizumi's fascination with Haruhi, I'm just surprised that more people haven't tried to tackle the idea. And yeah, I ship Kyon/Haruhi like whoa, but I still have my alternate pairings and gen will always be my favorite.

So yeah, uhm, thanks again, and glad you liked it so much! And hey, writing fic is good. XD